So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
