i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
3pm strippers are depressing
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
