I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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