It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
