i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
