I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
