I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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