there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
