i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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