my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
