I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
