I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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