My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
