Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
