barbara walters just said penis...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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