So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
