I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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