Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
