my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
