I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
