I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
