eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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