Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
