He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
