I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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