I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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