nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
