i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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