I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
