OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
