you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Randomize
