I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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