omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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