checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
