He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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