I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
