who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
