i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
