Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
