Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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