This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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