Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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