Please, let me fuck your mom
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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