I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
