i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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