I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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