Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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