at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
