There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
