there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
