If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
